he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I need a burrito and a hug.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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