He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Randomize
