My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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