Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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