I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Randomize
