You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
