I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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