i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
