And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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