we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
