My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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