your parents love me but you hate me
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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