It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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