They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
