Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
