i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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