if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
