god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Do vagina's smell?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Randomize