Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
