Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
