I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
