a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
being pregnant is like rehab
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
