New invention idea: vibrating tampons
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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