I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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