i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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