I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
