Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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