if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
