I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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