can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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