I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
