and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
