I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
