sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
