just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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