Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
