And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
please come you make the beer taste better
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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