I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
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