jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
And then he peed in my hair
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
