I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
