I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
a search helicopter?!
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Randomize
