when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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