My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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