I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
