When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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