you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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