I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
