I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
