I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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