I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
