I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
