just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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