Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
