Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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