I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
