I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
