Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
