just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
