Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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