i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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