I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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