ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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