Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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